Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
