I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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