i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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