New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
