yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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