News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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