i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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