can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
