so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
