All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
