If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
