I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
