I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
