if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
