I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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