I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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