I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
