So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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