Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
