drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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