I need to stop coming to work sober
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
