her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
