I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
