the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
