You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
