So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
