I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
