I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
