I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
