I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
