have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My penis needs a shock collar
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
