I am spending my child support on dildos
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
