so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You pole danced in your parka.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
