P.S. I can't hear my feet
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
