I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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