I met the friendliest cop last night
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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