Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
