she kept yelling 'call me bella'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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