Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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