I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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