I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
