he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
