My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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