he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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