i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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