K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
