Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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