i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
