I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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