I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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