I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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