i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
