I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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