I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
